Safe, but not necessarily sound

Hello world! It's been a long time. I've been missing you... in the 3 or 4 months since I was last here. Not long in the big picture, yet somehow it feels like an eternity. I've got lots of catching up to do that's for sure.

First, I was NOT on the 35W bridge when it collapsed. The bridge is less than 10 miles from me and I have been stuck in traffic on it countless times, fortunately not this time. I keep imagining the sheer terror everyone must have felt... how I would've felt/reacted if it'd been me and my kids... and it's worse than my worst nightmare. Could anyone really conceive of this happening?! For some reason it is striking me harder than might be rational, especially considering that all "mine" are safe. I know I'm not the only person that gets anxious crossing over bridges now. I feel so deeply for the victims/survivors whose lives will be drastically changed forever due to this tragedy. The long-term repercussions are staggering.

Secondly, for those who might have been wondering, my plans and dreams for DSFX are not dead, although the site has obviously been put on hold way longer than I ever planned. When I acquired the new server and the store didn't transfer over correctly I got extremely frustrated and basically gave up for a while. I couldn't afford to hire someone to fix the site and real-life stuff kept getting in the way of doing it myself...as freaking usual. My husband also decided that internet access is a luxury rather than a necessity, and refused to pay for it anymore, which caused my work to come to a grinding halt. It felt like once again, circumstances were so against me that my digiscrappin' dreams were not meant to be. (Which is exactly what he wanted... the fact is he feels threatened by my online ventures...more about that in a bit.)

I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have let down. It wasn't my intent to drop off the face of the planet, but I do tend to withdraw when I don't have anything positive to share. I'm a private person and I prefer to keep my burdensome "real" life issues to myself, rather than projecting them onto others. Unfortunately, the magic day never came when things were suitably "better", and the longer I stayed away the harder it was to come back. But here I am, again, giving it all another go. What else can I do?

Life hasn't been ALL bad. On the positive side, I reunited with a dear friend back in January, and he's become my rock these last several months. Without him I'd probably be serving a life sentence in the loony bin (or jail). He has an amazing way of soothing my soul when it's wounded or weepy, and he never fails to make me laugh when I want to scream. He helps put things in perspective, and somehow fills me with the strength I need to keep on keeping on. It's because of his encouragement and support that I've decided give my goals one more shot.

Soooooooo.... in September (when Amaya will finally be in kindergarten, and I will have internet again - yay!) my top priority will be to get the website back in action. I've sooooo missed creating, sharing, and interacting with y'all... I really truly have.

Another positive thing is that some of my long-term medical issues are finally being dealt with. In April my back began hurting much worse than usual, so I called my clinic. This time I had the good fortune of being scheduled with a wonderful, experienced dr. who speaks English, asks lots of questions, takes lots of time to listen - and get this - he actually seems to care and want to help!!! He noticed in my file that I've had back and neck issues ongoing for 7+ years with increasing frequency, severity, and duration. And that, along with his examination of me, troubled him. Huh! Imagine that! Every other dr. I've ever seen for my back took precisely 38 seconds to say I pulled a muscle, ice it, pop some Advils (which caused an ulcer), and to "take it easy" (like that's possible with 4.5 kids to care for!).

THIS dr. said enough is enough and ordered a lumbar MRI test. That's when it was discovered that I've got 4 severely herniated disks, degenerative disk disease, spinal stenosis, arthritis, and a benign tumor on my spine (he believes my thoracic/cervical MRI results will be similarly abnormal). He also suspects fibromyalgia, and based on what I've learned, I think he's right. It sure would explain alot!

So why is it good news to be told I have some serious health issues? Because it proves to my husband and his clueless but judgmental family that my chronic pain and weakness is caused by REAL debilitating problems. It's NOT all in my head like they've always chosen to believe. Yes, this diagnosis validates me; and after what they've put me through it's a huge mental relief. The truth is now known, and although I'm sure people will continue to believe whatever their egos want to believe, I'm done making MYSELF crazy over it... wondering all these years if I really AM the lazy, worthless, mental case they've always made me out to be. Fuck 'em. I know better now, and that's all that really matters (and I don't care how self-righteous that sounds).

This definitive diagnosis also finally allows me to do something more pro-active than "try to take it easy". My dr. has prescribed Robaxin and Percocet which help quite a bit, and last week he added Lidocaine patches and Clonazepam to the mix. I'm going to a chiropractor and physical therapy 1-2x/week, although neither have been too helpful up to this point. I received my first round of epidural steroid injections on July 3rd, which was a hellish procedure but semi-helpful for improving leg function. I've also got a wheelchair for when I'm at my worst but still need to accomplish things, and a handicapped parking permit too - both godsends that I feel kinda weird using because my mind hasn't quite accepted the "disabled" part of all this yet. Lastly, I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon tomorrow (8/7) to discuss surgical options that could restore strength and permanently alleviate much of the disk pain. I can actually see a light at the end of this tunnel - and I'm working my way towards it!

Physical issues aside, those of you who know me personally also know I've had marriage and depression issues for a long time. I've alluded negatively to my husband in this post, but the bottom line is he's an emotionally abusive, controlling, narcissistic jerk. After 15 years of trying, I'm done dealing with HIS demons and anger and rage. He treats us like we're inferior idiots put on this earth solely to serve him (seriously, we're talking Dr. Phil's Man Camp material) and nothing we do is ever up to his standards or expectations. He has continuously done everything in his power to control our every move and prevent me from achieving any of my goals, because it threatens his perceived role as the "man" of the family. Of course he also realizes that when I become self-sufficient financially I won't need him for anything and will leave him.

Anyway, I've realized we will never be truly "ready", so I've put my pride aside, called an abuse shelter, and asked for help. My kids and I don't need to be miserable just because he chooses to be. We deserve peace, love, and happiness, and I'm finally ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen. The gig is truly up.... it's just a matter of figuring out the logistics! I have been uber-busy packing and looking at places for rent so we can move out by August 30th (need to be moved before school starts).

So that about sums up where I'm at. Lots of stress, but it's no longer a burden I carry alone. There's finally hope, which is something I've been sorely lacking.

The kids are coping unbelievably well...

• Britt has blossomed into a smart, responsible 16 year old - no trouble from her for a long time now. She's decided she wants to become a CNA and will be attending some college classes in the fall to get a headstart on that goal. She's got 2 jobs now - calling bingo at the VFW, and a seasonal job at the MN Rennaissance Festival.
• Noah turned 14 last Thursday. He recently got the last of 4 casts removed - from breaking his wrist on Memorial Day weekend. He starts his first job in about 10 days at the MN RenFest with his sister. He's extremely excited, and seeing all sorts of dollar signs of course. I wonder if that'll change once he actually has to DO the work. LOL!
• Joe just turned 11 and he's been at friends' houses more than at home this summer it seems. He is really looking forward to starting school again.... my sweet little brainiac. This coming year we've decided to enroll him in an online academy, which will allow him to work on a much more advanced level than is possible in the local public school system. I see so much untapped potential in him and can't wait to see him thrive in a more challenging educational environment.
• Amaya is 5 now and as I mentioned she will be in kindergarten this year. No online schooling for her... she can't wait to ride the bus and make friends! She's never been in daycare or preschool (too expensive) and her playmates to this point have only been her siblings. She is extremely social though, so it will be interesting to see how it goes.

Yowsa..... this post has gotten way too long...and there's not even any pics or anything to break it up... sorry! I still don't have internet access at home (and the library's internet kinda sucks).... but I do try to check email at least once/week or so from a friend's house. If you've actually read this far feel free to email me! If I still have any fans... I could surely use some ideas for new products to create as freebies or for the store (what's hot in the scrapping world? I'm sooooo out of it....ugh!).

Even more, I would love to hear from my long-time internet friends... you know who you are... I think of you quite often and wonder how you and your families are doing. I know I am a sucky friend, but I hope you can understand the reasons for my self-alienation. Seclusion sucks. I miss you. :(

Tata for now.